Nicole Zoltack

It’s a nice query, Nicole. Now, here is the second version:

Dear Ms. Lessa,

Fifteen-year-old Crystal believes in the power of God, not magic, so
when time slows down so she doesn’t miss the bus (again) or speeds up
so she can avoid answering questions in class, she thinks He’s
answering her prayers. But after she discovers a note detailing how
her now dead mother sought the help of witches to conceive her,
Crystal’s faith becomes one giant question mark. Seems magic may have
played a bigger role in her life, after all. Wanting answers, Crystal
tracks down the witches, who tell her she is the human incarnation of
magic—the only person whose magical potential is limitless.

Crystal struggles to learn who she is and what she can become while
learning how to fly and playing with magical fire. Her life spirals
out of control—a witch hunter is after her, and shamans and witches
want to use her to end a centuries-old war between the two magical
races. Then the witch hunter captures her boyfriend, and shamans her
aunt and other friends.

Unable to restrain her swirling emotions, Crystal’s magic goes
haywire. If she can’t learn to control her powers, forget about ending
the war—she just might start the Apocalypse. As if destroying the
world isn’t enough pressure, Crystal’s faith in God isn’t the only the
thing being tested. She has to believe in herself or the entire world
is doomed.

So, which one works best? Right now, each of them has its strengths. But the main issue in both of them is the lack of a voice. And voice in a query is essential. Here are some suggestions to fix that.

When you’re starting a query, it’s always good to have a punchline, a sentence that shows the strength of your plot and your voice. Right now, both queries start with longer paragraphs that go straight into telling the plot. That’s not as eye catching. But the first part of the first query’s first sentence (boy, that’s a lot of firsts) could make a strong punchline. “God answers nearly all of fifteen-year-old Crystal’s prayers.” Perfect! You got yourself an opener!

But the complement doesn’t work. It’s too much telling. What would work as a nice follow-up to that punchline? The examples on the second query. If rewritten, they can really show voice and bring the reader in. So a good follow-up to that first sentence might be: “At least that’s the way it seems. How else would she explain time slowing down so she doesn’t miss the bus?” That should be done in your own voice, of course, not mine (and no, don’t worry, I won’t rewrite the whole thing). But the point is, it becomes catchier when you shorten sentences and give them voice.

Then you go into the summary. In the first query, it’s too short, too summarized. But in the second, it’s a little too long. Authors should aim for two paragraphs that highlight the plot and the main conflicts. We don’t need a step by step, we need something that will hook the agent. So keep it simple and with voice. Examples are always good to humanize the character.

Then just add the basic info (title, genre, wordcount) and author credentials, like in the first query, and you’re done! When you have two versions, mixing and matching might be the best way to go.

Questions?

Remember, if you want to have your query analyzed, send it to gabrielalessacarvalho@gmail.com with the subject line QUERY WEDNESDAY. Not every query will get published here, but hopefully the ones that do will help everyone!

Thank you for your query, Nicole!